Staring at a Tree

Life is but a dream

Sat, 15 Apr 2023 19:56:14 GMT

How a timeless children's song may point the way toward a more fulfilling life.

For much of my life, I have approached challenges as merely things I could overcome, and to do so, I just need to work at them - work smarter AND harder. Get into a good school. Study hard. Work hard. Climb the ladder. Change the ladder. Climb faster. Get more fit. After all, life is hard, right? I mean, that’s a frame of mind or a precondition I have walked around with, and so I was ready for "work harder" to be an answer to most challenges. There are no handouts and you can do anything you set your mind on, so you had better work hard.

At the same time, I’ve repeatedly come to this big life epiphany that goes something like “let go of the wheel, stop white-knuckling life, seek the higher plan for your life…” Each time the epiphany comes to me, it seems new and monumental and relevant because now it's in a new context, and each time the answer involved first realigning myself to what is important and then working sustainably toward that aim.

A number of months ago, I started looking at it differently, spurred on by a comment made by Scott Kaufman, who is both a friend and coach for me, helping reflect back to me myself and my truths. Scott shared with me how one of the most insightful songs ever written was written for children - “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

Let's use a high level analogy: life is like a river carrying me in my rowboat to my final destination. Ideally, it’s a long and fruitful river voyage, and much or all of that depends on me. It's a big, wide river, with many forks, and there's not necessarily a right way to go down it, but it flows and I'm in it.

Row row row your boat. Lean into life. Put my oars in the water, be present, and go forth. I’m not in a boat without oars, helpless in life. I’m not meant to be clinging to the roots on the side of the river, being tossed about but going nowhere. I can choose to fight the current and push upstream, but to what end? I’m meant to go downstream.

I've struggled with this lesson many times in life. I've clung to the tree roots at the side, unable to make a decision about what ti do next in life. Should I move to that place? Is a relationship right for me? To what should I dedicate my efforts? Often, in my heart I would know the answer quickly, but my head wanted to keep hashing it out over and over, like the river continuing to push on me and splash into my boat. Like life encouraging me to let go of the sides, move past this decision and let life play out further. Stop trying to see all the twists from where I am - get in the boat and row.

Gently down the stream. First, get aligned : as I am in the boat, make sure I figure out which way is downstream. Am I rowing a lot and feeling like I'm getting nowhere, or Is my rowing opening up life before me? If I quiet myself (stare at a tree) and listen to the feelings in my heart, which way is it pulling me? To what degree is my life in alignment with those heart desires? What does it take to get aligned, facing downstream?

And as I go down the river, how am I rowing? Do I have my head down, rowing hard to get where I’m going but meanwhile missing the journey itself? Is the journey energizing or tiring? Row gently and consistently. Go the distance.

I’ve often struggled with this part. Once I know the direction and the next milestone, I want to get there, quickly. I row hard and tire myself or others out. Maybe my form gets sloppy and I start pulling more with my arms than with my stronger legs and back. Or another challenge is if I know I want to get from point A to point Z, I want to push forward toward Z, but I regularly have to remind myself the best way forward is to get to point B, then figure out point C, and so on. I try to force the outcome I think is necessary rather than focusing on staying in alignment and letting things develop naturally.

Merrily Merrily Merrily Merrily. Row merrily. Experience the journey. Share in its twists and turns with others and row merrily together. Keep going, and be merry that I am a part of the journey and it is a part of me. Any twists or forks in the river present choices or obstacles which make the journey adventurous.

Life is but a dream. At some point, the journey stops. I reach the point where the stream empties into the ocean, or the point where my boat docks and I hang up these oars. Consider that when it ends, I must leave the boat and the oars behind, and yet I hope to remember my journey and the lessons it taught me; I take them with me, so it behooves me to make it a journey to remember.

What does it mean for life to be but a dream? This leads to questions of where do I go when the journey is over, which I'll share thoughts on in another post. But I think it's worth pausing to think about what things may be finite and what things may be infinite, and to not get too caught up in the finite matters.

Who's making the choices in my dream? If life is a river running downstream, does that mean it is all predestined? Are there not forks in the river? Choices of where to take breaks? Choices of who rows with me, or the craft I ride? Choices of when I choose to sit on the side of the river as the story plays out? Then there is the concept of manifestation, co-creation, and free will. What if that which is around the bend is of my own creation? What If I am the river, rather than floating in it? How might I behave and what choices might I make differently?

Now consider your life story is the river

The stream is the story.

You are in the story or you are the story. Either way, it is happening and you are in it.

It is up to you whether you fight upstream, hold onto the bank and refuse to flow, or you point downstream and row row row. Either way, your ink is depleting. Your rowing is limited.

Row, and row gently. Rowing frantically only takes away from your experiencing the story that is unfolding. When pointing downstream, the current is sufficient to propel the story forward. Keep yourself pointed downstream and look for the forks in the river as you go.

Row merrily. Experience the story. Share in its twists and turns with others who share the journey. Find others and row merrily together. Keep the ink and the story flowing, and be merry that you are a part of it and it is a part of you.

Reach the point where the stream empties into the ocean, or the point where your boat docks and you exit the stream. Appreciate the stream. Make the ride one you will remember forever. Appreciate the story. Make it yours, as when it is complete, it is the story itself (and the parts of other people’s stories you interacted with) that you will carry with you.

Questions to ponder:

Are you pointed downstream? Sit quietly and listen to your heart. Are you rowing gently and is life flowing? Or are you rowing frantically and feeling you are fighting up stream? Are you holding onto the riverbank and tiring as you watch the stream go by? Which way is the stream pulling you? What would it be like to point yourself with the stream and push off in the boat?
If you are rowing gently and life is flowing, are you rowing merrily? What does it add to your story to row frantically or in anger? Who is to say that you will still be rowing tomorrow? Consider it joy to be rowing today.
Are you actively dreaming? Are you writing and experiencing the story that you desire to carry with you when the journey is over?

Reversing Stage 4 Cancer - From Final Days to Life in Abundance

Fri, 14 Apr 2023 07:33:35 GMT

You don’t have to die from cancer. Not today. It can be reversed, even from the last moments or from death’s door.

April 13, 2023

Current Situation - Back to Life

I’m sitting in the Sanoviv clinic in Playa de Rosarito, Mexico, currently on day 16 of a three week cancer treatment for my father. I showed up here with my dad, Jeff, who had been put on hospice and was showing all signs of the last steps of Stage 4 Prostate Cancer. Two weeks ago, my dad was at the precipice. Despite great efforts by my mom and Dad to hold it off, Dad's cancer had returned and he had been put on palliative care, and then on hospice. His US doctors had basically sent him home on overlapping protocols of Fentanyl, Morphine, and Lorazapam to dull the pain and anxiety.

I knew of clinics In Mexico from his earlier cancer battle, but only found out about Sanoviv around mid March. They were able to admit him within about a week. We decided I would go with him first to the clinic. As I picked him up from his home in Palm Springs, I watched him deteriorate in the two hours it took to drive to San Diego. By the time we got him across the border and to the clinic south of Rosarito, he had deteriorated further. He had not had an appetite in a long time. When he got here, he wanted to walk but struggled to do so. He forgot how to use the bathroom, how to tie his shoes, how to use an elevator. He forgot almost everything down here but who I was, and he had said "If you say let’s do it, I’ll do it." I’m eternally grateful for his trust, his courage to fight, and for the staff at this clinic who never gave up on him. Within days of treatment we started to be able to take him off medications and he started to “come to.” My mom was able to join after a few days, which really helped lift his spirits, and though there have been ups and downs, he has been getting better and better.

Today, just two weeks later, my dad looks at least 15 years younger than when he showed up here. He still doesn't remember his first days here and some of the time before coming here. He’s been able to get off the pain medicines and has only infrequent ‘stabs’ and a dull ache in places like his side where it used to be intolerable. He’s walking and even doing little dances that he does. His sense of humor is back. He talks to other guests at the tables and jokes with the hospital technicians. He tears up in gratitude and recounts the many places and people he’s been blessed to know throughout his life. His zest for life is back, and so far, all test results are encouraging. We just got confirmation today that we’ll be checking out in less than a week. We still have therapies to do, and an important CT scan tomorrow, but we're feeling confident.

I know it sounds far-fetched to see such change in two weeks. I know most people reading this in the US will not believe it or create some excuse for how what I’m saying must not be the truth. But it is the truth. Not only for my dad, but for many other people here, now. I can tell you of a guy who showed up also on death’s door with his liver about to fail, so enlarged with tumors that it was poking out of his abdomen and collapsing his right lung. He had a colon tumor so large it was blocking his colon. Five weeks later, his liver shows only small signs of tumors left and a thick band of healthy liver cells all around its perimeter, and he recently had only a small portion of his colon and rectum surgically removed, from which he is healing nicely. It’s not just cancer. People here are being healed from Lyme’s disease, mold infections, and other things that have previously left them confined to bed for months and without an answer from their doctors back home in the US or Canada.

I’ve tracked every moment of every day here. I’ve been in all of the procedures, talked with the doctors and nurses and technicians, taken photos, captured vitals, and sat with dad and other patients through every meal. What is being done here amounts to everyday miracles, and they are, but it also attests to what medicine can be if we were to really believe in the scientific method (proof!), if doctors really lived by the creed “First, do no harm,” and if medicine focused on compassionate care of the whole person - mind, body, and spirit/soul. It takes loving attention to ALL of those factors in order to heal.

More Background

My Dad came here with Stage 4 prostate cancer. We first caught it in 2014, already at Stage 4. That battle was from 2014-late 2016. Statistically, only 30% of Stage 4 prostate cancer patients live 5 years or more. At the time, we frantically researched . We used a kitchen sink approach from Cancertutor.com combined with things we learned from independent research, work with integrative doctors, and western diagnostics as well as some hormone therapy. This, after his urologist and oncologist had said their treatments would not lead to remission. I had gone to the Prostate Cancer Research Institute’s summit and seen doctors high-fiving when they showed they could extend the life expectancy from 2.4 years to 2.7years, with no mention of quality of life. I knew after speaking with them and his doctors that they had only a small number of tools they could use, and none of them seemed ready to lead to a quality life, extended. We stuck with the alternative treatments and we were seeing good results, despite the berating we received from his doctors.

By the end of 2016, Dad was told by his doctor in Burbank that they could find no active cancer in his body. The fact we reached remission gave us confidence that “alternative” treatments were not only good, but preferable. I’ll probably document that in a subsequent post, since I previously wrote a many-page summary of it and have shared it with friends. However, if I knew then that the Sanoviv facility existed, I would have come here in a heartbeat, instead of the lonely journey we had taken.

Overview of Treatment at Sanoviv

Here’s a high level summary of the types of therapies my dad has undergone over the past couple of weeks. I have detailed records of every day, and am learning more all the time, but here is how I describe it at a high level and each therapy in my own words. I’m not a doctor. I am a person who digs into all of the details and am intelligent enough to understand what I read. (Remember, doctors know only what they’ve studied, too…)

Upon arriving at Sanoviv clinic, we immediately started to meet with different doctors and assess his situation. He met with everyone, did a full blood panel, took diagnostics (in addition to those we submitted), and then met with his head doctor to discuss treatment.

The treatment used is an integrative protocol. (VERY SIMPLIFIED:) The prevailing premise is that with cancer, cells create inflammatory response around cancer cells, which reduces oxygen in the body, leading to acidity and inflammation. This inflammation contributes to an increase in the growth of cancer cells. That inflammation also suppresses the immune response. T-lymphocites are thus kept in a suppressed environment. Natural Killer Cells (a.k.a. Ntk cells) have a high capacity to attach to cancer cells and promote cancer cell death, if the cells can reach and recognize cancerous cells, but in this case are limited in their effect. Cancerous cells existing in a degenerative (ill) state are allowed to multiply without the natural cell death process that would normally be triggered.

Dad’s treatment has been a combination of many approaches:

Strengthening - Filling his body with nutrients to strengthen him and his immune system. Getting his body able to move and flow again as he takes on this fight.
Immunotherapies - procedures and treatments designed to stimulate the body’s natural defenses
Direct tumor reduction therapies designed to help the body break down cancer cells where it previously couldn’t
Detoxification - therapies that help the body to expel toxins that contribute to cancer as well as remove the remnants of cancer cells that have been broken down.
Whole-body therapies designed to make his blood and organs inhospitable to cancer and working optimally according to how they are “supposed” to work.
Psychology - helping him to let go of past traumas that contribute to stress and inflammation, and to rebuilt a healthy attitude of gratitude for life.
Community - interacting with others who are going through similar fights for their lives, but doing so in a positive and encouraging environment.

CAUTION. If you bring this kind of treatment up with your doctor in the US, he/she will likely tell you the treatments I describe here are quackery, that they are unproven or dangerous, and that doing anything other than what they are telling you to do means you are signing your death warrant and killing yourself or your loved one. In my experience, they often use fear tactics to convince you to stay on the fully westernized path of treatment. Knowing what I know now, I won’t mince my words. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. The doctors here are not quacks - they are licensed oncologists, surgeons, nutritionists, psychologist, chiropractors, dentists, and so many more professionals, all circling up around you, the patient, talking about your conditions every day, adjusting the treatment schedule immediately upon getting new information, and keeping you informed every step of the way. The diagnostic equipment is as good and sometimes better than images taken in the major US clinics. People here are here after being sent home to die from the major hospitals like yours (I’m not going to name them here, but yes, that one, too.) If nothing else, this method of treatment is proven to shrink tumors and strengthen your body’s natural defenses, preparing you for whatever treatment path you decide. In many cases, whatever they are prescribing to you may not be necessary after an integrative approach.

Details on Therapies Used

The therapies used for my dad are as follows, and were combined over the three weeks here, overseen by Oncologists and specialists in each field:

Nutrition - They do a body composition analysis, a metabolic analysis. They’ll do a specific nutrition plan based on the patient’s metabolic type. They do evaluations twice per week to follow up. Everyone here either is on the Sanoviv diet or has a diet tailored to their needs based on the nutritionist’s assessment. Sanoviv diet is a whole food diet, free from most irritants and cooked in ways and at temperatures that maintain the nutrients in the food. And it’s delicious. (I could make a whole post on the food.)

Diagnostics - CT scans, ultrasounds, blood work, CT cone beam dental scans, and a lot more.

Detoxification - everything from ensuring the blood stream is cleared of free radicals, to ensuring the lymphatic system is moving toxins out of the body through waste or through pores, to ensuring you’re going to the bathroom adequately to eliminate what the body is needing to eliminate.

Immunotherapy - T-cell lypmhosite and Ntk cell injection. Harvesting T-cells and Ntk cells from 120ml of blood drawn on the second day, placing them in a culture dish in the lab here, growing them at a high rate, stimulating them and activating them with antigens toward the kinds of cancer(s) he is fighting, and then injecting them into his body on the 9th day here. His body recognizes them as his own cells. The cells attach to cancerous cells and with the help of Ntk cells trigger apoptosis.

Hyperthermia - this is a heatwave therapy. Dad is being exposed to it in two different modalities. One is whole body therapy, and the other is regionalized / localized therapy.

Whole body modality. Increase temperature of the body to 104-105F for 60 min. Helps breakdown subset of proteins, produce pores on cancer cell membrane, and trigger the body’s natural process of angiogenesis (growth of new blood vessels to areas of the body that are not getting sufficient blood flow). It also stimulates our immune system and our Ntk cells directly. In dad’s case, cancer in the bones, which have low blood flow so low oxygen - hyperthermia stimulates blood flow to those areas. Higher number of immune cells go to the bone. These processes combine with the IV protocols and immunotherapies to get the right substances to the cancer cells and trigger apoptosis (the body’s natural process of triggering cell breakdown). Whole body hyperthermia twice per week for 60 min

Regional hyperthermia modality is where energy is directed to specific areas with larger tumors - in my dad, that would be the thoracic spine, lumbar spine, prostate, and bladder. 1 hour; injecting energy above 100kj and reaching localized body temperatures of 105-107 degrees. This treatment is done 4x per week. Similar effects as whole-body, just more intensified on certain tumor areas.

Intravenous Therapy (IV)

IV - High dose Vitamin C - 25g first treatment, 50g second treatment. Every time after 75g 3x/week. Immune stimulating effect and produces an oxidizing effect. Produces reactive oxygen species that reduce tumor activity. Combine with hyperthermia.

IV - Amygdalin - derivative of B17 - has a direct effect of tumor shrinking by blocking certain proteins cancer cells use. It works similar to chemotherapy, but it’s a natural substance. Dad has had this treatment twice a week for one hour. It has usually been combined with one of his hyperthermia treatments.

IV - Artesunate . Reduce tumors through oxidation. Binds with iron, increase enzymes in cancer cell that regulate its growth or give it specific elimination process. Regulate the growth of tumor cells. 1 hour IV lasts for 6 days so done 1x/week.

IV - Coboxilaza / Carzilasa - this is mostly B-vitamins like B12 that are given to strengthen cellular mitochondria and help nutrients get into the cell across the membrane.

IV - TCM - t-cell modulator IV. Peptide therapy to stimulate T-cells. Given once in the first week. Top up with oral spray daily.

IV - Chelation - binds to free radicals and toxins and helps sweep them out of the bloodstream.

Oxygen Therapy

Hyperbaric oxygen chamber - increases pressure to promote oxygen into the blood and tissues of the body. (Cancerous cells have been proven to not be able to thrive in a highly oxygenated environment.)

Ozone therapy - rectal insufflation - stimulates oxidation and in this method is absorbed through the many blood vessels (note: we’ve previously done ozonated blood transfusions).

Energy therapies - a category of treatments to reduce stress, reduce inflammation, stimulate blood flow, and interact with the body’s natural energies.

Psychology - Discussion, meditations, exercises, - an incredible team helping to unearth traumas and pains, blocked energy, and move past it all to allow for a vital perspective on life. They body is going through great stress and mental stress. Increased cortisol and adrenaline levels are tumor stimulating. They have us with psychology or stress reduction 4x/week. 2x/week mind body therapist and 2x/week with psychologist.

Supplementation - taking oral vitamins, core minerals, omega 3 oils, anti-inflammatory natural mushroom supplements, and nutrients needed according to a nutritional assessment.

Therapeutic spa treatments - things like lymphatic massage to keep the lymph system going, Swedish massage to reduce stress, cranial sacral massage, reflexology, and other therapies to increase blood flow throughout the body.

Chiropractic work - you know what this is, but they’re amazing here and helped adjust parts of dad’s neck and back that have been bothering him for years, after which he felt much better and continues to.

Dentistry - amazing program. Here to help remove heavy metal filling toxins, catch and clean out infections in root canals, etc. Dad’s crown came off while here and they had it fitted in no time.

Exercise - fitness instructors here to assess each person’s fitness level and give targeted recommendations on how to improve activity levels safely and appropriately as a part of treatment and life improvement.

Education - lectures and materials available on nutrition, toxins that lead to disease, etc.

Other specialists as needed. We still may see a neurologist while here, and other specialists are brought into the treatment plan as needed.

Rest - they get you resting when the sun goes down and give plenty of time to get a full night of sleep (whether you do is dependent upon what you’re going through, of course).

A general appreciation of life - the setting is beautiful. The grounds are manicured and peaceful. Dolphins dancing in the water out front, sunshine, companionship, positive thinking and discussion.

Companion care - they advocate strongly to have a companion here with you, and they make it very easy to do so. Total cost for the companion to be here is essentially $100/day including stay, laundered clothing, meals, access to spa and pools, etc.

Home protocol. They will provide a treatment protocol for when we go home, including final instructions from all departments, nutrition plans, a recipe book, all the diagnostics we’ve taken here, and will do follow-up sessions with our doctor remotely once per month for a number of months, along with follow-up blood work.

Logistics:

The cost of this whole protocol was about $40k, all included. Everything is conducted in English. They will pick you up from multiple San Diego locations (or from Tijuana or Ensenada) and bring you across the border, down the coast, and right to the clinic's front door. Once here, you don’t really need anything of your own other than shoes/socks for exercise days (they give you sandals), underwear, a notebook if you want, and any personal items to pass quiet times like books. You are provided loose fitting clothing that is comfortable. The meals are one of the best part, as they practice what they preach 100% of the time. A stay here amounts to a detox program.

The staff:

Everyone is amazingly kind, caring, patient, helpful… from the admissions team to the transportation team, cafeteria staff, housekeeping, groundskeepers, nurses, doctors, guest services, … everyone. It’s a marvelous hospitality experience. One person referred to it as a “Spaspital” - combination Spa and Hospital (credit to Lauren’s friend, Melinda).

The guest rooms:

Every room faces the ocean with a beautiful view. Rooms mostly have companion rooms, which are little rooms with double doors that open into the main room.

Not-so-final thoughts

There is so much more. So many stories and details. My hope is that this information reaches people who don’t currently know there is another option. My opinion is that I would recommend this option FIRST, before pursuing aggressive forms of surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, or drugs. If you’re facing cancer for yourself or a loved one, reach out to the team at Sanoviv and they’ll help every step of the way.

I wish you good health, good days, and many of them.

You're Gonna Miss This

Thu, 12 Jan 2023 07:07:53 GMT

What is the soundtrack of your life?

If you were to look back over your life, have there been songs that defined a period of it, or really summarized your outlook at that time?

I haven’t listened to a ton of country music growing up. Sure, I knew many of the big songs, but I grew up on a heaping helping of rock n’ roll, singer songwriters, Motown, funk, some classical, blues, and what not. By the time my son was a week old, we had danced to Otis Redding, Bruce Springsteen, AC/DC… we’ listened to Holst’s The Planets, danced to Kermit Ruffins like we were on Frenchmen Street, and so many more.

Yet if I were going to recommend one thing to anyone who is a new parent, or even anyone who is tired a lot for whatever reason, it would be to try a particular playlist on for size.

Just a few days into my son’s life, my wife and I found ourselves having to be up all night with him. We kept music on, I’d whip up some middle-of-the-night snacks, and we talked and laughed and worked through worries like new parents do. We slowly found ourselves curating a Pandora station that kept us going. The station had a theme that has stuck with me throughout the past year, and has made the whole experience all the more beautiful: You’re gonna miss this. Don’t blink. It won’t be like this for long…

It’s true of life. Whatever stage you’re in. We only have today. Today is the youngest you will be. Today is tomorrow’s ‘good old days.’ I’ve often found myself telling my teams or friends to stop, look around, take note and enjoy the ride. Life moves quickly.

It was during one of those late night, dance-him-to-sleep sessions that I first heard the chorus of Trace Adkins’ “You’re Gonna Miss This,” which describes a few everyday-type situations and then goes:

You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this

You might be saying “that’s great for you, but no thanks.” Try this, though. If you’re generally ok with life and find you are mostly nose-to-the-grindstone with days blending together, try listening to a few of these songs and see if they don’t give a little perspective. (If life is really down for you right now, I’ll leave it to you whether these kinds of songs will push you to change something, or if they would just make things worse…). I think no matter what, hearing messages of gratitude, contentedness, grit, devotion, and encouragement will always provide us with the insight we need to take the next right step, even if we need tough insights.

Try Spotify, YouTube, etc and play some of these songs.

You’re Gonna Miss This - Trace Adkins

Don’t blink - Kenny Chesney

Joy of my life - Chris Stapleton

Humble and Kind - Tim McGraw

It won’t be like this for long - Darius Rucker

On my way to you - Cody Johnson

‘Til you can’t - Cody Johnson

When the stars come out - Chris Stapleton

Better than I used to be - Tim McGraw

Die a happy man - Thomas Rhett

Love Without End, Amen - George Strait

The Coast is Clear - Drake White

Free - Zac Brown Band

Wrapped - George Strait

Forever and ever, amen - Randy Travis

Change Your Name - Brett Young

Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band

She’s everything - Brad Paisley

Carrying Your Love with Me - George Strait

Millionaire - Chris Stapleton

Same Boat - Zac Brown Band

Shotgun Rider - Tim McGraw

In case you didn’t know - Brett Young

Remember When - Alan Jackson

Carried Away - George Strait

If you would have asked me a year ago what songs I was likely to play my son 100 times, none of those would have made the list. Now, I think we’re past 100, on par with Bruce, Michael, Freddy, Sam, Otis, Ray, Darryl and John, etc.

I hope your music is playing in your life and it’s lifting you up. I hope it helps you appreciate the present moment and remember to not take life too seriously.

Questions to Consider

What music is playing in your life now? Is it positive? Does it lift you up, or does your playlist commiserate with you?
What messages are you hearing regularly? Are you being encouraged and lifted up? If not, why? How deliberately are you seeking something uplifting?

Concentric Circles of Priority and Influence

Wed, 28 Dec 2022 16:16:57 GMT

How putting first things first enables a greater and more sustained impact.

Here’s a recurring concept that has shown up on my life. I’ll call it the “concentric circles.” I’m sure I picked it up in some leadership book, but I can’t for the life of me remember which one, or maybe it’s just a concept that merges other concepts. Anyway, it can be used to picture a lot of things, but most relate in some form to sphere’s of influence or spheres of priority.

Priority

First, let’s look at priorities. Something I have learned about myself is that I have long said my priorities start from the center of the circles and spread outward. However, if I were to do a time analysis on my schedule anytime before December of 2021, one would see that my time was disproportionately spent on the wider circles - 1st Degree Contacts (e.g., coworkers, customers, etc.) and Community. My heart said that family comes first, but my actions spoke otherwise. In fact, in order to work on the outer circles, I asked a lot

of myself: sacrificing exercise, sleep, hobbies
of my immediate family: “Sorry, I have to work that night/weekend. I have to be on the road,” etc.
of my Friends and extended family: missing special events or get-togethers, or being absent minded when together.

One could then assume that either my priorities were my work and community commitments over my family, or I was not aligned with my heart when allocating time. In my case, it was the latter, and every time I asked self/family/friends to “forgive me but…” it took an emotional toll on me, and that depleted my emotional bank account over time. I also spent a lot of money and resources on “making up for” my misaligned priorities. I’d fly my wife with me to the work destinations across the globe. We’d go out to eat a lot more because after a 14 hour work day I just wanted to go out. I spent more on things, wanting to buy nice things for those I loved (and probably making up for the lack of time we had together.) Sure, I wanted to do those things anyway; I just think I needed to do them more when filling the void of time.

Naturally, the answer is to reprioritize, in combination with setting boundaries. It’s like the exercise of filling a jar with large rocks, small pebbles, and sand. One has to fill the jar in the appropriate order - the large rocks first (top priorities), then the smaller rocks (important things that need to get done), and then the sand (little things, many that don’t ‘need’ to get done).

The two key things to me were 1) getting serious about putting first things first, and 2) being realistic about how much time each of the circles demanded of me, given the commitments I had made. For instance, when thinking about point 2, there are many factors in work that deem how much time it requires. Industry, role, objectives, timelines to achieve the goals, risks/threats, team, and so on. If you want to be the best, AND grow the business the fastest, AND grow to be the biggest, AND help team members grow, AND reach the milestones before your competitors, it takes dedication and a lot of time. I’ve known too many people with hearts for their family/friends, who want to be healthy, and who want to be involved in their community, but who say repeatedly “I don’t have time,” or “when I achieve X, then I’ll make time.” I was one of those people. Then, God willing, you a) live long enough to get to that inflection point and b) recognize the time when you get there.

The funny thing is that I sincerely believe putting priorities in order of the circles makes one better at all of it - boss, employee, spouse, parent, etc. I believe companies benefit when people are more balanced (often despite the company culture). I believe people do more inspiring work. I just think we don’t prioritize actually putting the inner circles first, and imagining what it looks like in the workplace or community when we encourage that kind of prioritization. I know I used to encourage others to prioritize, but I don’t think I was the best example. As Tim McGraw’s song goes… “I’m better than I used to be.”

Influence

That leads us to the other way of looking at the concentric circles - as spheres of influence. Assume you are someone who wants to change your community, or change the world. What does that look like if you focus all of your time and energy on the outer circles but don’t take the time to shore up the inner ones? How many people do you know who work nonstop and appear to be very successful, but suffer from one or more of alcoholism or substance abuse, broken relationships, insomnia, mysterious health conditions (e.g., brain fog, heart palpitations, or worse…), or never have time to attend events with their kids/friends/etc?

How many of those people do you admire? If you were to wish something for your child, how much of that lifestyle would you wish for them?

Another analogy that I think goes well with the circles is one of a mountain. Image the mountain is “holding space” where other things can thrive. The bigger the mountain, the more climates it influences, the more it helps bring water and shelter, beautiful views, etc. If we were to say each of the concentric circles is a cone, and you’re looking down (from above) on the cones when you see circles; and if each circle is as high as one is aligned to one’s priorities, then a well-aligned person’s circles would look like a mountain.

But what about someone who is focusing on the wider world, but not focusing on the inner circles? Those circles would be crevices, rather than mountains. Such an example might look more like the following - as if there’s a hole in the middle, like a volcano that blew its top. Rather than holding space, it’s as if there’s a vacuum, or a hole that constantly needs filling

As a final analogy, tree trunks have rings (like concentric circles) as they grow and add outside layers each year. Life and sustenance traverse the trunk via outer rings, while the inner rings provide strength. Trees that experience rot from pests, fungus, etc. coming from the outside, which then cause decay of the wood at the center of the tree trunk or branches. That decay or softening of the heartwood makes the tree or branch structurally weaker, which may lead to branches or the tree itself to break. Let’s say you are the tree. You want to grow tall, reach wide, provide shade, be deeply rooted, etc. That is only possible with a strong core.

However you prefer to look at the circles, I hope the analogy is useful for you.

Some questions to ponder:

Do these concepts resonate in your life or your experience?
How do your circles look now?
Are there spheres you want to influence but “don’t have time” to now?
What changes might you make to your priorities or boundaries that would impact your circles?

On a side note, you may be asking why I put “including God” in the middle circle. To me, that’s where it goes because it’s a personal thing one decides for oneself. The way in which that decision is made and one responds to that decision influences that person. That person chooses how to have it influence other circles.

A year flies by

Thu, 22 Dec 2022 08:39:40 GMT

A year off that has changed me for a lifetime.

I took a year off and intended on spending that time with my family and as I like to say, “staring at a tree,” which I did. I’ve gotten to see my wife smile and laugh a lot together. We had our first child and for 11 months we’ve watched him in awe and wonder as he showed such personality, curiosity, and genuine joy. I got to be dad - dance parties every day, starting to teach him music and to love animals, introducing him to all kinds of foods, taking him on planes and automobiles, playing in dirt and sand and grass. After nearly a year, I am firmly convinced that the way we help our sons and daughters experience the world in their first year sets them up for how they grow and explore for the rest of their life. I also got plenty of time in peaceful settings, particularly staring at beautiful old trees. I wouldn’t trade the last year for anything.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t sit still often, and I’ve long gotten satisfaction from things getting done. I have some new perspectives about the importance of stillness and ‘being,’ and those perspectives have reshaped my way of looking at life. Still, that get-things-done part of me is alive and well. Over this time, I managed to start a few investment companies and make our initial acquisitions, take over and move/grow a dog business in West Hollywood to give dogs the best place to be when not at home, outline a few books, travel, lose 20 pounds, be a much better pianist, increased my average night’s sleep by an hour, and learned a lot about a lot of things. I’ve met incredible people and integrated more with the community around me. I’ve spent time with the trees, with myself, with God, with family and friends. Today, I believe I am more at peace, more complete, intrinsically energized again, grateful, hopeful, curious, eager…. Sunday nights and Monday mornings are as great as Friday nights and Saturday mornings.

I’d be lying if I said this time and these changes were without anxieties. I’ve questioned myself and changes at times, mostly because of the way we are raised in today’s society. Mostly, we are taught to play it safe, spend a lot on a good education, get a solid job (and pay off that education), put your head down and climb the ladder, put any money you can into a well-diversified portfolio of stocks and bonds and mutual funds and hope whoever is managing it is good enough to help you have a retirement somewhere around 65.5 or 72 when you can take some time to be with your family (now grown) or do exciting things between your naps. Except we’re not really told about how we only really have this moment (and each one is a gift), that we’re the youngest we’ll ever be right now, that you’ll more fondly remember those peaceful family times than the long work days, and that there are other types of investments that will set you up to have much more freedom (and earlier in life). I wrote myself a letter 14 months ago about what I hoped for myself. Today I’m certainly closer to that person than I was a year ago, and I think that old self would be proud of me.

Despite what some see as a long break, I’m more energized than ever to do big and great things. There are some issues I care deeply about that I’m involved in and will lean into further: helping build good humans (and particularly more good, empathetic, kind, strong men); building good places where people live, love, and experience life; building places and teams that love and nurture animals the way they deserve; and planting as many trees as possible because they are our best chance of taking care of the world we live in. I’m looking to help good people with good hearts do good things for the sake of doing good. If that’s you, and if there’s something I can do to help you, please do let me know.

I say, tongue in cheek, that my job is the Mayor of Mickeyland and I somehow ran and won unopposed. As mayor of Mickeyland, my job is not one thing but many. I am a father, husband, and son. I’m an entrepreneur and investor and consultant. I work across multiple industries and see patterns of how things work similarly across them all. By diversifying my life, I actually de-risk life while increasing rewards now and in the future.

I’ve decided to create this new blog in order to more freely share my ups and downs, lessons learned across industries, and what it’s like to shake off some of the weight of a risk-averse mindset in order to more freely ride the big wave of life. I call it staring at a tree because I’ve long thought that my most peaceful and clear-headed times were when I did just that - got out from the business of life and sat in the presence of these incredible living things that pair perfectly with humans - if we embrace the partnership. And as I sit with my tall wooded companion, my mind clears, my heart is heard above the busy ramblings in my head, and the right path forward becomes more clear.

I hope my musings are of some benefit to others on their journey. I wish you much joy and adventure.